My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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