My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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