If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
