everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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