I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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