My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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