I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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