I'm drive I can fine osifer
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You made out with two different species that night
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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