my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
