Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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