Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
