Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so let's talk penis.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
