ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
where are my eyebrows?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
