I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
