I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
