hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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