Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
