Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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