Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
