I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
