All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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