Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
