Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
