just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Be still, my beating vagina.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
