Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
