There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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