dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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