and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
