apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
