I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
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In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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