There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want her autograph on my taint
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
