Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
