When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
