I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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