Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
