I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
