I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
