I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
