I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just invented taco cereal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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