No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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