i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
