I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
