I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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