I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
