end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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