I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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