hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
