So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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