thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
