I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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