I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
