wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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