At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
