I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
