god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
