He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
