Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Randomize
