So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
