I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
