Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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