just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
