Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
