Her vagina should come with caution tape.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
